We all have boundaries to a certain extent. Either we consciously set them or not is beside the point. The point is, it’s present to some degree. We deploy our boundaries when we’re with our friends, family, coworkers etc.
Your idea of boundaries could be that you don’t like your friends calling you at a certain time of the night. For another person, it could be that he or she don’t like their parents speaking in a certain manner to their spouse. Sometimes, we also set boundaries because we don’t want people gallivanting through our “vulnerability zone”. Although, we don’t like to call it that. We would rather call it “personal space”. No one really appreciates others messing up their lives.
So to the question at hand: Do you need boundaries in marriage or not?
I think the answer is yes and no. Yes, if it comes from a place of mutual respect and a healthy self-esteem. And No, if it’s your way of avoiding any kind of vulnerability. Here’s an example. If you work from home, you could set a boundary that ensures you are not disturbed from say, 9am to 2pm.
You set the boundary because you simply want your spouse and others to respect that timeframe so you can achieve what you intend on achieving. Another example of a boundary in a marriage can be that you are not comfortable with certain sex positions and you would appreciate if your spouse gives your some time to adapt.
These kinds of boundaries can help you stay sane and it can help in stabilizing your emotional health per time. However, sometimes our low self-esteem spurs us to create boundaries for things that we should otherwise confront head-on. For instance, you tell your husband that you are not an outgoing person and that he should respect that. But the truth is that, you don’t like meeting people. You feel small and unaccomplished therefore, you cower from social gatherings and would rather stay home. In such a case, boundaries are your disguise and they hinder you from putting yourself out courageously and forthrightly in the world so you can succeed. At that point, you should not be setting boundaries because they are not leading to either growth or development.
In conclusion, you must understand that it’s okay to have boundaries when you have a healthy self-esteem and a solid sense of self. As a matter of fact, those qualities are what ensures that you can keep the integrity of those boundaries and sustain them over time. Otherwise, you may want to fix those underlying issues and not bury them under the façade of boundaries.
You can check out resources that will help you as a young wife in your initial stages of marriage here. Our resources cover communication, friendship, sex, respect, submission and more. You are welcome to check out our store. Thank you for reading.
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You are loved.
Founder, One Young Wife
Author, Educator, Intimacy Consultant